The Dad & I rang in the New Year with some great friends while the kids played the Wii in the other room. (Santa ROCKS!) And as we bid our friends a “Happy New Year” with kisses and hugs all around at about 12:13 (because we lost all track of time playing Battle of the Sexes), one of my friends dared to utter those dreaded words: What are your New Years Resolutions?
I kicked my former friend in the shins and then pushed her out my front door. I’d had a bit of sangria.
The next day – much later the next day – The Dad asked those same words: What are your New Years Resolutions? OK… he didn’t really ask them with his VOICE. He texted them, from behind the locked bathroom door. He knows what I’m capable of.
It’s not that I don’t WANT to make resolutions. I do! I want to be better, skinnier, more organized, sexier, an early riser, a better exerciser – wait… just an exerciser. I want to be all those things! It’s just that I make my resolutions and they last until noon on January 2… if my mom doesn’t call and offer to take us out to the Golden Cow Super Buffet for New Years Day. Then? All bets are off!
This year, because I’m feel so much pressure to make resolutions, I have decided that why not? I will make resolutions… just not for me. For everyone else.
For starters, since I seem to lose about 50 pounds a year (and gain about 49 ½ pounds), everyone else should gain 10 pounds. If everyone else associated with me gains 10 pounds and I just maintain my current weight (Easy enough!) Then hey -- Won’t I look good next New Year’s Eve compared to all of you who have gained the poundage?
Secondly, for all of you runners out there: from now on, if you’d trip over your own feet about every other step it would sure make me look good. Wait. You know what? It wouldn’t make me look good, per say, but it would make me look normal. Nope. Not even normal. Really - It’d make me feel a tiny bit better about my running skills. Yeah. That’s it.
In terms of KIDS, I want all other children to start whining the phrases “Pleeeeease!”, “Now!!!!”, “Gah!” and “You never…” when they are out in public. That way, my own kids will be so distracted by these public displays of whiny-ness that they will forget that THEY are the ones who usually pick up the crapola displayed on the bottom rack of one of the three lanes open at the Wal-marts and snivel, “Please Momma? Can I have it NOW? Gah! You never buy us ANYTHING!” This is usually moaned while I’m loading the stuff I never buy them onto the belt. (And, is it only when I go in there with The Daughters that the Wal-marts decides to have only three lanes open??!?! Is it???!?!)
This one, I’m certain, will help out all of mankind: There shall be no appointments, start times, meetings, or any other such nonsense before 10:30 am. This time change, I realize, will cause a disruption in most people’s schedules; however, I will be one happy camper. I will be able to sleep until 9:00! I’ll be able to do more than throw cereal in a coffee cup and tell The Daughters to drink up as we make a mad dash to the minivan while brushing our teeth. No more rinsing with the cereal milk and spitting out the window! And by starting this late, we’ll make great strides in our grooming: We’ll be able to brush our hair! Did you hear that? BRUSH our HAIR!
Finally, I think no one should ever do laundry again! Just think of the possibilities, my friends! If we ALL wore dirty laundry, then when I show up at a party wearing ketchup on the sleeve of my un-ironed shirt and socks that I found on the floor of Daughter 2’s bedroom, then I certainly won’t distract from the party itself. As is normally the case when I go to someone else’s house wearing ice cream on the knees of my jeans. (Don’t ask!)
Clearly, if you want to have a great new year, you’ll follow my resolutions. No. I said that wrong. If you want ME to have a great new year, you’ll follow my resolutions and we’ll all be happier for it. Because, there is truth in the saying, “If Minivan Momma ain’t happy, ain’t NO body happy!” Or something like that!
Happy New Year, my friends!
You can contact Minivan Momma at minivan.momma.2@gmail.com
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